After the heart breaking divorce process, being a single parent isn’t easy. But just remember, you’re not alone. There are almost 13.6 million single parents across America. Thankfully, the negative stigma around being a single parent is starting to fade. Raising children is a tough job in itself, let alone doing it as a single parent. That being said, let’s take a look at some single-parent tips after divorce.
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Divorce Impact on Adults
It goes without saying that divorce has a massive impact on the adults in the relationship. But since there are kids involved, most recently divorced parents will push down their feelings for the sake of their children. Whilst this seems like ‘the right thing to do’ on the surface, it can actually cause more harm than good. I’ve broken this down into three key areas to show the impact a divorce can have on adults.
Emotionally
As mentioned above, adults tend to push down their emotions for the sake of the kids. This is never a good idea as it can lead to serious problems in the future. It can also distract you from your surroundings, so you may even end up missing out on important things that are going on around you. Also, children are good at picking up on negative emotions. You may think that you are hiding it well, but I can almost guarantee that the kids know something is up.
It is much healthier, to be honest, and open. That being said, don’t start talking smack about your ex in front of your kids! Save that conversation for a counselor or a close friend. But by allowing your kids to see that you are upset, you are showing your kids that it’s ok to be sad and that it’s ok to reach out to someone that you care about when you are down. It may be upsetting for the kids, but it’s honesty, and they will appreciate that when they are older.
Physically
Going through a divorce can have a lot of physical impact on the body. You lose your appetite, or you might start eating a lot more junk food, your sleep quality takes a nose dive, and the stress of everything can even make you physically sick. It’s very important to try to think rationally, and think about food, drink, and sleep. Even if you have to force yourself to eat, sleep, and drink. Your body will thank you for it.
One other big thing is hygiene. When you are depressed it’s easy to allow personal hygiene to take a back seat. This is obviously not good! Not only for other people who have to be around you but for your own self-esteem too. If you give up on personal hygiene then you are giving up on yourself. So force yourself to take care of your appearance. You don’t want to be adding any unnecessary issues to your current situation!
Work
When you go through anything stressful or traumatic, it usually starts to show in your quality of work. The last thing that you need is a problem in the workplace if you are struggling with a divorce. Although you shouldn’t live to work, you should keep in mind that your job is what puts food on the table. So, if possible, try to pep yourself up a little before work, just to help get through the day.
If you are really struggling with balancing work and home life then it’s crucial that you speak up and talk to someone. Most people are very understanding in these types of situations and your boss may even be able to cut you a little slack whilst you get things at home in order.
Divorce Impact on Kids
The impact of divorce varies wildly from child to child. Many factors need to be taken into consideration, such as age, living situation, siblings, and more. Children can understand more than you think. So it’s always important to keep an eye out and be there for your children. Check this out for a more in-depth dive into divorce impacts on children.
The ‘standard’ age range for kids to be heavily impacted by divorce is between the ages of 6 and 16. This isn’t a rule, kids develop differently. So just because your child might not fit into that age bracket, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t affected, this is just a rough guide based on a handful of studies. But with all that in mind, here are some impacts that divorce can have on kids emotionally, physically, and academically.
Emotionally
Kids will act differently depending on their individual characteristics. This can make it difficult to say exactly what your child may be feeling. But it goes without saying, they are definitely affected by divorce one way or another.
A child that is mature for their age may try to push down their negative emotions, especially if that’s what they see their parents doing. Other kids may act out, maybe have fiery outbursts, or become overly emotional and start to cry at seemingly minor things. However your child is acting, it’s very important that as a parent you validate your child’s feelings. For all you know, your child may even be blaming himself/herself for the divorce. So just make sure that you are there for your kids. Make sure that they know that whatever they are feeling, it’s ok, and you are there to help.
Physically
Similar to adults, children might lose their appetite, they might lose interest in going to sleep, and they may start to become quite lethargic. Alternatively, some kids may start to eat more, sleep constantly, or become rebellious.
Guilt is an emotion that can have physical attributes, if a child starts to ‘punish’ themselves in any way, such as, denying themselves food, or refusing to go out with their friends. These are red flags. So if you see any of these things, then it’s worth paying attention, make sure that your child does not feel guilty for the breakdown of your relationship.
Academic performance
It’s not uncommon for school work to take a hit when a child is struggling at home. Although it is important that kids do their best whilst in education I don’t think it’s anywhere near as important as their emotional and physical wellbeing.
But if your child’s school work starts to decline in quality, or your child starts getting into trouble at school, then you will need to intervene. Luckily, a lot of schools have on-site counselors that can aid struggling students. It’s a hard fact, but sometimes kids find it easier to speak to someone they don’t know over talking with mum or dad. It stings, I know, but it makes sense when you think about it. You are a part of the divorce, therefore, you are a part of the issue too. That’s not to say that you are to blame, it’s just that you are in the mix of the issue, so don’t take it too personally.
Mistakes Divorced Parents often Make
It’s very easy to overcompensate. You understand that your child is struggling so you try to overcompensate by giving them gifts, creating ‘forced fun’ or showering them with extra affection. Well, I hate to break it to you but the chances are, your kid knows what you are doing. It’s difficult towing that line between a supportive parent and a parent that is overdoing it. But here are a few mistakes that divorced parents often make and how to possibly avoid making them yourself.
Competing to be the favorite
There’s a long-standing joke about divorced children getting two lots of Christmas presents, and double the number of birthday gifts. This isn’t a healthy stereotype about children whose parents have divorced.
It goes much further than just doubling up on the gifts, you are bribing kids. Have fun with your kids, but don’t force the situation, and don’t exaggerate the fun either. Just enjoy the moment, if your child has fun then they will talk about it and remember it for years to come. If you force the kid to have fun then the chances of your child actually enjoying the situation isn’t very high.
Talking negatively about each other
I mentioned towards the start of the article about being open and honest with your kids, but also not talking smack about your ex to your kids. Nobody wins if you say bad things about your ex to your kids. It just creates this resentment bubble that kids will hang on to. I experienced this myself when I was a child, no child should hear bad things about mum or dad.
So, whatever happened that caused the breakdown of your relationship, as long as your ex-partner never harmed your kids then you should NEVER talk negatively about your ex to your kids. This ex is exactly that, an ex. You can find a new partner easier than you can find a new mum or dad! So don’t tarnish a child’s view of their parent, it’s not your place to do that. Talking negatively about your ex to your child is a very toxic thing to do.
Inconsistent rules
In most cases, I feel it’s safe to say that if you divorce someone then you tend not to be on good terms with each other. Whilst that’s ok if you don’t have kids, it’s not ok if you do! You will have to come to terms with the fact that your ex will be a part of your life for as long as you live! I know that doesn’t seem fair, but think of the children and how things affect them.
Communication between you and your ex is crucial to ensure a consistent upbringing for your kids. If a child has one set of rules for dad and another set of rules for mum then things become unstable. If one parent says yes to something and the other says no, then which parent do you think the kid will listen to? It’s obviously the one who says yes. So don’t play good cop bad cop, just try to keep on the same page when it comes to rules for your children.
Feel guilt for your child
Children don’t need guilt, they need care. If you feel sorry for your child then that’s ok, but don’t go acting strange and overly positive around them. It won’t make them feel any better. Instead, just sit down and talk. If you sit down and chat with your kids regularly then there will be no reason to feel guilty.
Unfortunately, as much as 50% of marriages end in divorce. So try not to blame yourself too much. It’s more of a societal issue rather than a you issue!
6 Tips for a Single Parent
There are so many different rules and tips for single parents that it can be a little overwhelming. Obviously, a lot of tips and rules will depend on your individual circumstances. However, there are some generic tips that will apply to most people’s situations. So here are 6 single-parent tips after divorce.
1) Get support
Support is an incredibly underrated tool in a single parent’s arsenal. Whether it’s support from family, friends, or your local community, support is a very valuable commodity, so make good use of it.
Never feel ashamed or bad for needing to reach out for help. If somebody reached out to you for support, would you make them feel bad for it? Exactly, I thought not! So don’t be a hypocrite! Ask for help. If you aren’t sure where to go for help then check out this article for more information.
2) Seek professional help
Just like I said in the get support section above. There is no shame in needing help. Counselling, tutoring, medication, there is a whole range of various supporting pillars available for you to use.
I would strongly recommend that you seek counseling. Even if you feel like you are ‘coping just fine.’ You will be surprised at just how much negativity you have suppressed over the years. So I would strongly encourage you to reach out and seek professional help.
3) Keep a good relationship with EX
As mentioned in the inconsistent rules section of this article, it’s crucial to keep a good relationship with your ex. Now I’m not suggesting that you become best buds! But as I said before, you need to have good communication with your ex in order to do the best for your kids.
It’s not always easy, and if you really do not get on with your ex then don’t phone or meet up, just text. But since you have had a child with this person, they will play a role in your life until the day you die! So try to make the best of a bad situation, after all, your child is the most important person in your life. So if you have to have some uncomfortable conversations here and there for the benefit of your kid then you will just have to put up with it, sorry!
4) Keep rules and routine
Continuity is something that is very important in a child’s life. It’s easy to let things slip after a divorce, but it doesn’t help anyone. Try to keep things and routine the same as they were prior to the divorce, or at least as close as possible. I understand that it’s difficult, but it’s something that needs to be done. If you need a little help with rules and routines for your kids then check out this article for more information.
5) Control your temper
Controlling your temper isn’t always easy, and we all slip up sometimes. But it’s important to try and keep a level head when you are around your kids. Hopefully, if you reach out and seek professional help, then you won’t lose your temper all that often. But for those cases when you can feel your temper bubbling up, just ask yourself, is it the kids that you are mad at? Or is something else making you mad? If it’s the latter, then don’t take it out on the kids.
It may sound a bit silly, but just take a look at the time and think to yourself, ‘in X amount of hours, I’ll have my feet up on the couch with a glass of wine in hand.’ Or something similar that you enjoy. It might just get you over the hump!
6) Read books
The final tip for a single parent after divorce is to read. It might not sound like a good tip at first glance but reading can help in a number of different ways. If you are reading a self-help book, then it can help offer some guidance for you to overcome the issues you are experiencing. If you aren’t interested in self-help books, then get stuck into a fictional novel! Sci-fi, romance, war, whatever you are into, a book offers an escape. It’s a place where you can leave reality for a few chapters and dive into an alternate world. It can be very helpful, especially on those down and dreary days.
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Final Thoughts from Pragmatic Lifestyle
Just as I said at the very beginning of this article, being a single parent isn’t easy! But I feel it’s safe to assume that if you have just read this article, it’s because you want to do the right thing for your kids. That makes you a good parent in my book!
About me
Hi, there. I am Lin. Together with my husband and two kids, we live in the beautiful Netherlands in Europe. I am dedicated to self-development, creating quality time for the whole family, and fully supporting kids with their potentials and possibilities with all I have learned from engineering, MBA, and 10+ years of working experience in the energy sector.
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