Being a stay at home parent isn’t as easy as people often think. There are many people with the stereotype of ‘You are at home all day, how hard can it be?’ Well, as it turns out, it’s not difficult, but also depressive! I had the opportunity being a stay at home mom for six months, with the first-hand experience with the struggles and stresses that a stay at home lifestyle has to offer. Being a stay at home mom almost made me depression.
In this article, I am going to address two issues. Firstly, why stay at home mom or dad is a tough job. If you have a partner who is a stay at home for the family, you need to cherish and grateful for the effort. Secondly, if you are a stay at home mom or dad suffering from depression already, you are not alone, and what helps you get out from the depression.
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This article is going to break down various causes of depression, and symptoms and hopefully provide you with some useful advice. Now, before we get into the nitty gritty I feel it’s important to state that everybody is different, and everybody displays signs of depression in different ways. Unfortunately, there is no universal answer to ‘cure’ depression. But, there are things that can help your situation.
Table of Contents
What Takes of Being A Stay at Home Mom or Dad
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There is one significant difference between going out and working a full-time job and being a stay at home parent. You clock out of your full-time job at the end of your shift! If you are a stay at home parent, it’s a 24/7 job with little to no breaks or free time. It’s amazing how 24 hours can feel so long but yet not long enough at the same time! There isn’t much time left over for you to enjoy any free time. The days are long, as are the nights if the kids are little or sick. If your partner has a full-time job then their attitude tends to be along the lines of ‘You deal with it, I have work in the morning.’ Needless to say, being a stay at home mom is a thankless and often lonely task.
Workload
Similar with working mom, stay-at home mom also can have a “job description”, which including some of the essential responsibilities as below:
- Nanny: Take care of one or more tiny human. For babies, means feeding, bathing, taking them to napping, change diapers, keep bedtime. Adding playing time if you have toddlers. School kids are a bit easier, but still prepare the meals and their lunch box (~28 hrs/week).
- House keeper: Laundry, ironing, clothes folding, vacuuming, mopping, dusting, floor tidy up, watering plant, dishes, scrubbing the toilet etc. (~10 hrs/week)
- Teacher: Mothers teach their kids the first words, colors, and shapes. Further for school kids, they continue to supplement their education by volunteering at school, reading books, assisting them with their homework and school projects, practicing music instrument with kids. These daily tasks easily take up about 12 hours of a typical stay-at-home mom’s weekly time, and that doesn’t include the non-educational skills they teach their children, such as manners, culinary skills, and self-confidence.(~14 hrs/week)
- Cook: Moms typically plan and prepare breakfast, lunch, and dinner for their families, as well as shop for ingredients and clean up afterward. (~14 hrs/week)
- Event Planner: Whether it’s planning a themed birthday party, coordinating playdate, schedules with extended family for the holidays, or enrolling children in extra curriculum. It require strong organizational skills to make all of these events a reality (~2 hrs/week).
- Driver: Driving kids to and from doctor appointments, school, sports, and extra curriculum (~8 hrs/week).
- Accounting and miscellaneous: Deal with bills, spending, accountings, fix kids bike, toys, communicate with neighbors, etc (~4 hrs/week)
So, sum up, as a stay at home mom, it is approximately 80 hrs/week spending on managing house and kids. I can not share the same success as Elon Musk, but we share the same workload on weekly basis.
Causes of Depression for Stay at Home Mom
There isn’t one true root cause for depression. It’s different for everyone. But there are a whole host of widely recognized causes of depression for stay at home moms, such as:
- Financial worries
- Feeling like a failure
- Physical body image issues
- Feeling a bit like it’s groundhog day every day
- Judgement and critique from family and friends
- Lack of appreciation
- Your child not listening to you or consistently being disrespectful toward you
- A never-ending list of jobs to do that just keeps repeating everyday
- A feeling of unfulfillment with life in general
- Comparing yourself to other parents
- Striving to reach standards that are just impossible
Social Media Pressure
One major thing that has changed over the past couple of decades is the presence of social media. Today, photos are placed on social media platforms instead. It’s easy to feel like you are a bad mom when you see countless pictures of other moms seemingly living perfect lives through their social media posts. Perfect hair, outfits, make-up, always on day trips and vacations, outstanding kids, and more.
Social media has become this alternate universe that the world seems to obsess over. But, most things posted on social media are staged, and a lot of it is fake. So when you see other moms posting these perfect images and living what looks like a perfect life, they are in fact trying to keep up with other moms out there who post even more ‘perfect’ content than them. It’s a vicious cycle, don’t fall into the trap. Instead, live in the moment, take pictures for yourself, create family moments for yourself, and don’t force things just to be able to post things to show off to a group of people that you don’t particularly care about!
Typical Signs of Depression
If you feel like you may be suffering from depression, look at some signs of depression below. You don’t have to tick all the boxes to be depressed! Depression is different for everyone, but here are some of the big signs of depression:
- Overwhelming feelings of anxiety
- Feeling worthless
- Carrying guilt from the past and obsessing over minor things that happened years ago
- Suicidal thoughts
- Slow responsiveness and great difficulty in concentrating
- Reduced or increased appetite leading to overeating or undereating
- Irrational emotional outbursts
- Crying for seemingly no reason
- Have little to no energy and always seem tired, yet you have a job sleeping
- Little to no interest in things that used to make you happy
- A constant looming sense of sadness and emptiness
Now that we know what depression tends to look like, what now? Well, let’s go through some things that may help you through depression. For more on various aspects of depression check this article out.
8 Steps to Help You Feel Better
Trying to improve your situation can seem like an impossible task. Where should you start? What should you do? What if it fails? Well, as daunting as it may be, there are things you can do that can make you feel better.
Now, instead of looking at these steps as ‘cures’ look at them more as lifestyle changes, that way, if you try one of the things on the list and it doesn’t work for you then you won’t feel so bad about it.
1). The 5% rule
The 5% rule is a simple one. If you feel like something will make a minor difference to your overall mood, such as taking a bath, then do it. Now, I’m not suggesting that taking a bath will solve depression! What I’m saying is that by doing small things that make minor changes to your mood will add up and make a big difference over time.
2). Take care of yourself
It may sound trivial, but looking after yourself has a huge impact on your mental well-being. Just by getting dressed, doing your hair, showering regularly, take 10 min “me time” and various other simple things. There is the old expression ‘fake it until you make it.’ This is one of those situations. Just try for 7 days, look after yourself physically, then at the end of the week think about how you feel, I can almost guarantee that taking care of yourself is worthwhile!
3). Make some plans to go out
This one can be tricky. After all, it’s much easier to stay in than it is to go out. But by not going out you will start to realize that days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months and you’ve done nothing fun for yourself. So, mark a date in your calendar, make plans, and stick to them.
Don’t let it be a one off either. Make plants consistently, even give them a name so the kids understand that it’s mom’s time. Having something written down on the calendar gives you a physical thing to look forward to.
4). Ignore social media
This one’s a lot easier than you might think. One study found that almost 6 in 10 adults check their social media accounts at least 10 times per day! Which is crazy when you think about it!
This virtual world that everyone is obsessed with isn’t real, they are fake photos, with reality filtered out. So, don’t compete with people online, just live in the real world. I stepped away from social media a few years ago, I’ve never looked back. When I take my son to the park, I don’t take photos for Facebook or Instagram, I hop on the swing next to him and join in on the fun! And any photos that I do take are for my own personal photo albums, not for internet strangers!
If that speech hasn’t convinced you to cut out social media then think of it this way. Would you put pictures of your kids in shop windows on a busy high street, with their names and various other details attached? I thought not! Social media is very similar, you are putting your family on show for the world to see.
5). Treat yourself
Just like the 3rd entry on this list. Personal time is necessary, and what comes with personal time? Treats! As a stay at home mom, it’s easy to feel messy, dirty, untidy, and more. So treat yourself to some luxuries every now and then. Pamper yourself, go out and get your hair done, go shopping and buy yourself some nice things, and treat yourself to something that you love. You deserve it!
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6). Join a mom’s group (online or in person)
Joining a moms group is a great way to meet people who are in a similar situation to you. As I’ve said multiple times throughout this article, if you are a stay at home mom with depression, then you are not alone. There are literally thousands of other moms and dads out there who struggle too.
So whether it’s an online group where you can talk with other parents with similar interests or a group where everyone meets up and talks about whatever is on their mind, a support group can be surprisingly helpful.
7). Meditation and breathing exercises
Meditation and breathing exercises are a form of escape. The ability to leave reality for a little while can really make a difference to your overall thoughts and feelings. Meditation is easy to do but it’s fairly difficult to master. Luckily, there are loads of physical and online classes that you can take to help you reach a more peaceful place when you meditate.
Breathing exercises have a lot of science behind them. If you force yourself to break in and out quickly and sharply, then your heart rate will rise. The same is true in reverse. If you focus on your breathing and breathe slowly and deeply then you can decrease your heart rate, by slowing things down you are able to think more rationally and clearly. This can be especially beneficial if you are having a panic attack. Control your breathing and you can regain control of your situation.
8). Change your mindset
Changing your mindset is never easy, but sometimes it’s needed. It’s much easier to ‘give up’ than it is to fix things. But the easiest things are rarely ever rewarding. Instead of having an ‘I can not do this’ attitude, try and tell yourself that you can do it. Look at yourself in the mirror every day, and tell yourself ‘this is what I am going to achieve today.’
If I’m being brutally honest here, this one is probably the hardest one to achieve, but it’s also one of the best ways forward. By telling yourself that you can achieve things and that you can be happy, goes a long way in making your outlook a more positive one, which, in turn, will help you to get into better routines and happier places.
Final Thoughts from Pragmatic Lifestyle
You are not alone. I know I have said that a lot throughout this article, but you must understand that whatever you are feeling is normal and there are people out there who are feeling similar things to you.
The most important thing to do is to reach out, and seek help, even if you feel like you don’t want it. Sometimes there is a big difference between need and want. So although you may not feel like you want any help, future you will thank you for reaching out.
About me
Hi, there. I am Lin. Together with my husband and two kids, we live in the beautiful Netherlands in Europe. I am dedicated to self-development, creating quality time for the whole family, and fully supporting kids with their potentials and possibilities with all I have learned from engineering, MBA, and 10+ years of working experience in the energy sector.
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