If your kids got straight A from school, will you reward them with a gift? If they stand up for a bullying, will you praise them? Different parents have different parenting styles. But one common thing is offering a gift to your kid to do something good. Does this classify as a bribe or reward? Is there a clear-cut difference between reward and bribe? When should you apply bribes or rewards? Should you even be bribing your kids?
These are all the questions we will be answering about bribe and reward in this article. Of course, as usual, we will cover helpful parenting tips to help you get the best from your kids. Let’s get down to business.
Related Reading: 8 Best Positive and Gentle Parenting Books for Toddlers’ Parents
Table of Contents
What is Bribe?
Bribing is simply the act of giving someone something attractive to curry favor or getting them to act a certain way. Usually, it is given before even the desired action is carried out. Let’s paint a picture – you are giving your child a candy to get him to clean his room. Sound familiar?
Another example of a bribe is buying your child a new toy when she throws a tantrum in public to calm her down. Yes, it achieves the desired outcome, but it teaches the child that doing the wrong thing gets you the desired result. Bribing reinforces negative behavior – it is not something you want to get your child used to.
What is Reward?
On the other hand, reward refers to giving someone something attractive after completing the desired action, and it is structured in a way that it motivates.
A reward is a necessary form of positive reinforcement for good behavior, and it spurs your child to do the right thing. Most times, the reward in itself is not promised; it comes as a surprise to the kid. A simple example is you giving your child an extra dollar after he has completed his chores. Another reward example is giving your child a new pair of sneakers for being helpful at home and in school.
Let’s compare bribe and reward side by side and see if you can tell the difference between both.
Scenario 1: Your child cries every morning when you drop him off at school and doesn’t stop until you give him chocolate. What is this? You got it right, and it is a bribe.
Scenario 2: Using the same example in scenario 1, let’s say you tell the child, “if you don’t cry when I drop you off at school, I’ll give you a little something.” If the child doesn’t cry and you give him the chocolate, that’s a reward.
Differences between Bribe and Reward
The difference between the two is the time when the gift is given or promised. It is an essential part of every parent’s toolkit. Let’s talk a bit more about the difference between bribing and rewarding your kids.
● Timing
A bribe is given in the middle of negative behavior. From the examples described earlier, the decision to give the sweet to your child was made instantly, and it wasn’t deliberated on earlier or foreseen. It was, in a way, offered to calm the child out of desperation. At the same time, the reward is discussed, determined, and agreed upon by you and your child ahead of time.
● Positive reinforcement
Bribe and reward both cause reinforcement of an attitude. Bribing your child causes the child to think that acting out can cause him to get a particular thing, reinforcing the negative behavior. On the other hand, reward motivates the child to keep performing that specific behavior for which the child was rewarded.
● Control
Constantly bribe your child gives the child a sense of control. And makes the parent feel powerless. From the scenario above, your child can realize that whenever he wants sweet, all he has to do is throw tantrums, and you will do his bidding. This is not the case for a reward because bribing is a short-term solution that can create long-lasting problems in the future.
● Effects
Reward makes your child proud of himself, while bribe make them feel powerful. In summary, rewards are earned for good behavior: bribes are offered (or demanded) to stop bad behavior.
| Reward | Bribe |
| Rewards are good parenting tools | Poor parenting tools |
| Reinforce positive behavior | Reinforce negative behavior |
| Is premeditated | Usually comes as a spur-of-the-moment decision |
| Long term solution | Short term solution |
Is Bribing Always Bad?
One question you might ask is, “Is always bribing bad?” Almost all parents get to bribe their children sometimes. Bribery works and saves you the stress of trying to get the child to do that particular thing. However, it also causes the child to be in control as the child is the one that gets to decide when to be rewarded. So with time, the child can become more manipulative, and you lose your control over the situation.
Why is So Bad about Bribing Your Child?
Bribe does not teach your child any good behavior; it only teaches them that they can be rewarded by acting out and eventually causes more problems in the future. It can also cause an embarrassment to the parent when there is nothing to bribe the child with.
Bribery motivates a child only by external rewards and not internally, and that causes the child to expect rewards for everyday things that he should do. For example, expecting a sweet every time he arranges his room.
Bribe does not decrease the likelihood of that negative behavior in the future, and it also causes the child to be in control as the child is the one that gets to decide when to be rewarded.
The last but most importantly, bribe makes parents feel powerless in discipline our kids.
So, the next time you are about you give that gift to your child, ask yourself these questions:
- Did the option to provide that gift come after the challenging behavior?
- Does this act give me more control?
- What lasting effect will this create on my child?
- Did I plan to give this reward before this time?
These questions will help you decide whether or not to go ahead and give the child the gift. Now that we have established that bribe your child often isn’t one of the best practices, let’s look at getting the best out of your child from reward and other positive reinforcements.
What’s the Most Effective Way to Use Rewards?
While setting up a reward system, always put your child’s age into perspective. This helps to eliminate you setting expectations for your child that he can’t meet up with.
- The first thing is to establish the contingency and reward before time, which helps prevent you from making decisions in desperation and puts you in control.
- Decide on behavior to reward per time. You really shouldn’t try to change too much at a time.
- Pick a meaningful reinforcer, something your child likes. Therefore it is essential to involve your child in the process. The reward may not work if the reward is not something that your child does not like.
- Pair rewards with words of encouragement. Acknowledge and praise their effort and not the outcome.
- Be consistent till it becomes a habit. Then, you can start gradually reducing the frequency at which you reward the child. You must follow through with the plan and agree only to what you are willing to give the child.
Once you have established the habit in your child, pick up another negative behavior you want to modify and repeat the process. Remember to be patient as your kid learns this new behavior.
Types of Rewards
Reward can be tangible or nontangible (social reward). Tangible or material rewards include snacks, toys, candy, or anything that costs money and even money itself. Examples of rewards are
● Verbal encouragements
Praises such as “Good job” create a positive feeling in the child. Affections such as hugs, kisses, fist bumps, and high fives can also serve as a reward. You can also use their favorite stickers to reward them, and the stickers can be of their favorite cartoon characters and animals.
● Treats
Treats also serve as effective reward systems for kids. It can allow your child to pick what he wants for dinner, including chocolate, an ice cream bar, and other snacks. But be careful with what you agree to give because you could be setting up your child for an unhealthy lifestyle. Always ensure that the size of the reward is equal to the difficulty of the job completed.
● Attention and activities
Having your child do school assignments before having fun activities will help the child cultivate a good culture which can be helpful even till much later in life. It teaches them delayed gratification. You can also reward your kids with an extra hour of video games, one more bedtime story, and other fun activities.
● Bedtime
Allowing your child to stay up 20mins past his usual bedtime could be a big motivation. While tangible rewards can make the child feel that the reward is real and more advantageous, social rewards are said to be much better because they are free, given immediately after the behavior, and more often.
Why Do Children Need to Be Rewarded?
Apart from rewards encouraging good behavior in a child, social rewards such as Praise and affection also help to build the child’s self-esteem, and it also helps to create a better bond between the parent and child.
Should money be given as a reward?
Yes, money can be given as a material reward. It provides the child with the joy of receiving something they can touch, and it makes them believe that good thing is because of their excellent choices and introduces them to money management and financial literacy.
Some experts claim that giving money to a child teaches the child to put financial benefits ahead of personal relationships. In the sense that the child does not know how his actions benefit or hurt others.
Do reward work all the time?
Certainly not! While rewards are effective, there are they sometimes do not work. Examples of when rewards are ineffective are listed below.
- When they are Used Excessively
In this case, rather than influencing a child’s behavior, it becomes an expectation. That is why it is important to pick one negative behavior at a time rather than rewarding the child for every good behavior numerous times daily.
- When the child Doesn’t Understand What They Need to Do to Earn the Reward
For example, giving a 7-year-old $3 to clean his shoes, but he doesn’t know how and what to clean the shoes with. He most definitely won’t be able to carry out the task. As a reward to work, you will need to teach the child.
- When they are used in the form of a Bribe
We have talked extensively about the reason why this does not work earlier. As a child grows, he picks up things and attitudes that eventually form his habit. This means that sometimes they are not just deviously acting out, and they are just using an undesirable method of accomplishing a developmentally normal task.
Other positive reinforcements
Reward your child for every action is not sustainable and impractical, and you must cultivate other ways to instill intrinsic motivation in them. Let’s look at the alternatives to Bribing and Rewarding.
- Please discuss how the child feels when he succeeds at a particular thing. It is an excellent way to help the child recognize positive feelings as a reward on its own.
- Teach your child ways to promote self-worth and self-confidence. This is because if a child believes in himself, he will be motivated to do something even without any reward being offered.
- Teach your child to set realistic and achievable goals. This has a way of making them know that their choices have a part to play in how successful they are.
- Set a good example because your children copy many things from you. So, if you want your child to behave a certain way, practice what you preach.
- There’s so much a word of encouragement/praise can do. Do not mince it. Constantly encouraging them can instill intrinsic motivation, the drive to want to do more, and boost their confidence in themselves.
Final Thoughts from Pragmatic Lifestyle
Parenting is not an easy job, so be lenient with yourself. Some days, it may seem like everything is working against you, and it is normal to feel stretched when your child is not behaving right on those days. However, different parenting styles work for other children, and here’s how to get the best from your child.
- Study your child.
- Do not give in to bribes always to avoid causing long-lasting damage to the child.
- Strike a balance between when to reward the child and when not to.
Finally, remember that positive reinforcement helps to increase a child’s pro-social behavior, rule-following, compliance with completing chores, and other types of desirable behavior. Rewards have effectively established behaviors that the child is just learning. So use more rewards to get the ball rolling.
About me
Hi, there. I am Lin. Together with my husband and two kids, we live in the beautiful Netherlands in Europe. I am dedicated to self-development, creating quality time for the whole family, and fully supporting kids with their potentials and possibilities with all I have learned from engineering, MBA, and 10+ years of working experience in the energy sector.
3 Comments
Comments are closed.