The Circle of Life: Relationship Grandchildren and Grandparents

Recently, my mother, a 66-year-old Chinese woman, has been visiting and living with us. She stayed with us for three months and helped us through the busy year-end holiday season, Dutch Sinterklass, Christmas, New Year, and Chinese New Year. I was a bit nervous before she came. It has been four years since our last visit due to COVID, and I knew living with your mother or in-law in the same house is challenging. To everyone’s surprise, the three months are smooth and fantastic. The unconditional love, care, and respect relationship between grandparents and grandchildren touched me.

Related Reading:

Table of Contents

The Age of The Grandparents Has Arrived.

The Economist has produced an interesting study about the rising social trends of grandparents to children for two reasons: people are living longer, and families are shrinking. Here are some facts about grandparents. There are 1.5 billion grandparents, 20% of the population, which keeps increasing. In the United States, more than 2.7 million children are currently being raised by older family members. 50% of babies and toddlers, 35% of primary school-age children, and 20% of teens spend time with their grandparents every week.

Some Facts about Grandparents’ Relationship

In 2012, MetLife Mature Market Institute did a national online survey among 1,008 grandparents, which provided some key facts about grandparents in the US.

Grandparents have an average of four grandchildren
Two-thirds of grandparents have at least one grandchild living within easy visiting distance, while 20% are living in the same household
13% of grandparents provide regular care for at least one grandchild.
62% of grandparents have provided financial support for grandchildren with an average of $8,289 to help with investment, education, and home downpayment in the past five years.

The Unique Role of Grandparents in Different Age

Grandparents’ relationship and roles are different from family to family. You might live nearby and can have dinner together and then go back to your own home. Or, like me, they are physically apart but communicate via phone and spend three months together in one go. You might just become the grandparent of a newborn, or the grandchild may be school-age to communicate. It does not matter which stage you are in. Unconditional love is the same. While my mother was here, I discovered she was playing multiple roles.

When the grandchildren are newborns, the grandparents are more into helping the parents, e.g., taking care of the baby so the new parents can have a 3 hr break. Primary school age is a sweet spot for grandparents and children activities, including going out to eat, reading in the library, or attending activities. Teenagers and adult grandchildren are less physically demanding, so spending a vacation together is a good idea.

Grandparents are Teachers

For working parents, it is hard to spend quality time with kids after a long “to-do list.” We have missed the classic skills and fun times we used to have and pass on to our kids. Grandparents are not iPhone-addicted, and they tend to have more patience. My mother taught our kids how to sew and cook during her stay. Other classic examples include gardening, baking, or doing minor repairs. While teaching, the grandparents do not bind the teaching process with expectations and ambitions. They enjoy the process, which gives the grandchildren security and confidence.

Grandparents are Family Historian

Some of the kids’ FAQs (frequently asked questions) to their grandma is, “What did my mother do when she was seven years old?” “What do your parents look like?”.Grandparents hold the key to the family’s history, which provides grandchildren with a feeling of belonging. Sharing pictures and telling stories is always fun for our family, especially their parents’ embarrassing stories.

Grandparents are Nurturer

The happiest moment is when a delicious dinner awaits you after a long school or working day. When I arrive in the kitchen in the morning, there are warm and healthy breakfasts like boiled eggs and pancakes, and the kids’ lunchboxes are also ready. When kids arrive home in the afternoon, toast or yogurt is on the table. Grandmother’s presence and food are always a safe harbor, especially in difficult and stressful times.

Grandparents are Mentor

Grandparents have already passed the intense work stage and experienced life’s ups and downs. They listen and know the current challenges and unhappiness are temporary. The sun will be shining the next day. They can teach the grandchildren to enjoy the current moment, to keep trusting themselves, and to appreciate the world with kindness and love.

Grandparents are Playmates

Grandparents can be fun-loving playmates with their grandchildren. I still remember when they played hide and seek, dragons and dungeons, smurf and gargamel, Sinterklaas and his helpers. Kids love all the games and remember for a long time. Sometimes, they also play little magician games, like Where are the coins? My daughter especially likes folding paper with grandma.

The top three ranking activities per age group are:

Grandparents are Students

My kids’ piano teacher told me recently their practice went well. What is happening? My mother is also learning piano, and our kids are eager to be teachers. Then, they went back to basics and practiced more than usual. They also bring Grandma to the library and show things around. Both parties are happy.

The benefit of a good grandparents–grandchildren relationship

If you have an excellent grandparents-grandchildren relationship, all the involved parties can benefit in terms of health and well-being.

Benefits for Grandchildren

Grandchildren benefit from their grandparents’ acceptance, tolerance, love, wisdom, and support. Children learn about their history, heritage, and identity from their grandparents. Grandparents are motivated to be involved in their grandchildren’s development and take intense care of their health, as they desire to be there for their grandchildren.

Benefits for Parents of Adult Children

For the parents, having grandparents help appears to impact women who are employed significantly. In households with a grandmother (or nearly one) staying on-site to care for the grandchildren on a full- or part-time basis, the likelihood of the daughter or daughter-in-law working is significantly higher.

In the meantime, the parents can take care of their parents and children. There is always a moment when the grandparents turn old and have difficulty moving around, Keeping a close relationship and regular visits can help adult children to know their parents’ health situation. In occasions where elderly family members require extra care, the integration of private care for older people at home turns into a strong and commonsense arrangement. Private caregivers not only attend to the actual necessities of seniors but also give friendship and steady consolation, spanning any likely holes in care and communication.

Benefits for Grandparents

Physical Benefits

Does taking care of grandchildren help the grandparents stay healthy? I do not think so!

Many articles indicate that caring for grandchildren can boost grandparents’ brain function, protect against depression, increase lifespan, etc. To be very honest, let’s not sugarcoat it too much. Some articles refer to studies from Arpino & Bordone, 2014 or others. Still, according to all the studies I have researched, there is no direct connection between “taking care of grandchildren” and “increasing grandparents’ health,” it cannot be proven to be harmful either.

According to recent studies, “Are grandchildren good for you? Well-being and health effects of becoming a grandparent [2022] from Birgit Leimer and Reyn van Ewijk,

On average, grandparenthood does not affect grandparents’ physical, cognitive, and mental health. Grandparenthood improves health only for those with close family contact and provides child care.
For grandmothers who provide daily childcare, grandparenthood appears to be burdensome.
Grandparenthood increases family contact and induces people to retire.

Overall, involving grandparents non-intensively in childcare can be beneficial for grandparents. One of my friends says, “The best part of being grandparents is the grandchildren can go back to their own home in the evening.”

Another interesting study from Giorgio Gessa shows similar points and some additional ones:

The first-time grandmother via their daughters feels positive.
Grandfathers are not impacted. Moreover, having an additional grandchild does not affect the well-being of grandparents.

Mental Health Benefits

My observation is that the desire to be present as grandchildren grow has encouraged many grandparents to remain active, educate themselves on issues important to children, and fiercely protect their health. My kids never know how much courage it takes for their non-English-speaking grandmother to take 12 hrs flight to the Netherlands and learn Dutch every evening.

She often imagines when the grandchildren grow older, what kind of university they will attend, the suitable job, etc.

According to research, spending more time with grandchildren is the second benefit of growing older. As people age, the requirement for consistent encouragement and friendship becomes progressively indispensable. With their unlimited excitement and certified fondness, children provide profound sustenance to elderly family members. The chuckling of a grandchild or the comforting presence of a more youthful relative can decidedly affect seniors’ psychological and close-to-home prosperity.

Here are some tips to smooth the grandparents relationship

To maintain the essential good grandparents relationship, the key is the middleman – parents!

First, align your expectations and set boundaries: the last thing you want is to hurt the people who love you most, especially if you did not mean it. In previous times, it happened to my parents and me. We thought we had gone through fire and water for each other, but the other was not as grateful as we expected.

Therefore, set a moment for a pleasant conversation to decide openly and clearly what and how much you want to do as a grandparent and parent. It will help both of you to understand where the boundaries are. For example, my mother disagreed with how I bathed my baby. She said I would rather stay away from it. I am keen on kids’ musical practice and agreed that she can stay away while they practice. Revisit the original plan, adjust if necessary, and plan for unexpected events.

Secondly, express your thanks to each other, especially to grandparents. They disrupt their life pattern and adjust to help. Not every grandparent likes to help with childcare. Other grandparents are more likely to give their adult children money over the past few years or help with errands, housework, home repairs, etc.

Thirdly, create Special Traditions and Memories. Whether it’s baking cookies, reading bedtime stories, or going on nature walks, these shared experiences build strong bonds. Consider creating a “Grandparent’s Day” where you spend quality time doing something fun and memorable. It could be a regular outing, a craft project, or even a special meal you prepare together.

Finally, take a break from the relationship. I booked a family holiday for 4 days, however, my mother told me that she does want to go at the last minute but rather stay home to rest. For that second, I see that she has excitement in her eyes and very much wants to be left alone. Then I said, “Of course, you can stay at home”. We both enjoyed a nice holiday, after we were back, she said she was so happy that she had 4 quiet days.