Help! What to Do When Teen Friendship Become Toxic

One cannot deny how important having friends is to a teenager. Aside from feeling belongingness, peers in adolescent years are vital for a teen for his unique identity. However, like any relationship, teen friendships can go down no matter how hard both parties maintain them. This is what Life Insight calls the friendship shifts. While these friendship shifts are normal in adolescence, most teens find it hard to spot a toxic friendship. So, how do parents help teen identify that teen friendship has become toxic and affects them negatively? What can we tell them once we deem their friendship toxic? After all, teenagers don’t want their parents to intervene too much that their independence is trampled.

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4 Major Signs of a Toxic Teen Friendship

Adolescence is one of the most crucial periods in a person’s life, and this is when one is not a child but is also not an adult. Teens want to make independent decisions, but they’re incapable of making the call to act on them.

These decisions can include who they choose as friends. As teenagers experience lots of changes, they’re bound to gravitate toward people sharing similar values and interests.

However, teen find it hard to end friendship that have become toxic. It’s because they find it hard to identify one.

So, look at the four tell-tale signs of a toxic teen friendship below.

1. Controlling Peers

Merriam-Webster defines a friend as someone who is attached to another person by esteem or affection. But its second definition says everything about what a good, healthy peer should be — not hostile.

A friend should be understanding and accepting of the friends of his peers. Even if they befriend another classmate, he shouldn’t feel jealous. Yet, a new person added to the dynamic can cause friction, which one can deal with by making adjustments.

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Yet, if your friend tells you to stop spending time with that person and won’t be friends if you continue, that’s a sure sign of a toxic friendship. A good pal never gets in your way of growth, even if it means meeting new people. They’ll stay supportive even if it means making adjustments to continue making your relationship work.

2. Friend Gets Easily Angered at Them

One of the pillars of a good friendship, even among teens, is healthy communication. When you befriend someone, you feel at ease saying whatever is on your mind. Even if you’re frank, the other party won’t take it too negatively and will even ask what made you say that.

But, as teens are immature in handling “negative” feedback, such a comment can cause a rift. This can lead to conflict, or “drama,” between teenagers. If it happens occasionally, it’s normal and even healthy. Friendship grows if both teens are willing to resolve the conflict and work their way through to make their friendship grow.

If this drama becomes more persistent or occurs more frequently, it’s high time your teen gets some space from that peer. This is especially true if that peer of his easily becomes angered for no clear reason. A recent study made by Pew Research Center even states that teens using social media are more prone to experiencing this teenage drama. Hence, there’s a need to set healthy boundaries in person and on social media to avoid fueling the rift.

3. Negative Peer Pressure

Most of us, especially teens, think of peer pressure negatively. As such, most parents generalize peer pressure as something their adolescents should be wary of. But, there are different kinds of peer pressure, with negative peer pressure being one of them.

But, one thing that differentiates negative from positive peer pressure is its outcome. Negative peer pressure makes a teen question their morals and beliefs, and this will then make the teenager decide to try risky behavior.

On the other hand, positive peer pressure pushes adolescents to be more determined and focus on their goals, which motivates them to push through with their plans and dreams.

So, when your teenager’s peers start pressuring him to do something troubling, you better step in. If you’re not sure how to spot the signs of negative peer pressure, Very Well Family has listed them out for you.

4. Mean to the Teen and Others Surrounding Him

The best way to judge a person’s character is by how he treats others, including his friends. Such a notion is applicable in teenage friendships as well. One way you can see this is how that peer treats you and your friends.

However, don’t confuse this with healthy communication. Though one should indeed be truthful, the intent should be scrutinized. If your teen’s friend is merely sharing an opinion, one shouldn’t be alarmed by it. But, when he starts saying some hurtful words or name-calling, that’s a big red flag. True friends never hurt their peers as they consider how the receiving party understands it.

Also, when a teen is mean to his friends, he is most likely mean to others. After all, it will be challenging to put on a different persona when talking with various people. So, if your teen’s unsure whether to push through with his friendship, ask him how he’s also treating others. If there are more fallings-out with his other friends, then that relationship likely goes that route as well.

Six Crucial Things to Do When a Teen Friendship Become Toxic

Now that you and your teen have known the different red flags of an unhealthy friendship, it’s time to take action. However, ending the friendship straight away isn’t the immediate solution one should take. As teens often find it hard to dump a toxic friend, they will be more likely hesitant to even think of it.

Though each situation is unique, there are six things that you can talk about with your teen on how best to handle a souring friendship.

1. Have a Time Out

Don’t mistake this time-out term as referring to the discipline method. Time out here refers to setting boundaries from that peer of yours. But, it isn’t synonymous with ignoring your teenage friend.

If you meet in the hallways before going to class, find another route to do so. If you’re hanging out at his house after class, refrain from doing so yet as you mull things over. But, in case you meet each other, civilly talk to him, and you still acknowledge his presence and politely talk with him if needed.

Ignoring your friend is refusing to acknowledge the person’s existence, and it’s the opposite of what one should be doing when you set some space from him. Not only is this awkward for both parties, but this will create more “drama” as the tension rises. However, you can also use this tactic if there’s a good enough reason to avoid your friend.

If your friend notices your sudden behavior change and confronts you for it, be brutally honest (but still polite). The key here is to discuss the issues you want to raise between the two of you. If you’re not that comfortable conversing with your peer alone, have another friend or, better yet, an adult (trusted teacher or guidance counselor) act as a witness.

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2. Spend Less Time with Toxic Friends

Once you have set your boundaries with that “toxic” peer, it’s time to spend lesser time with him. You can politely refuse to accept his invitation to a weekend party. If he wants to do homework with you after class, you can make a valid excuse not to do so.

If that friend of yours is very clingy and refuses to respect the boundaries, ask for help from your parents or a trusted adult. They will undoubtedly welcome your request and come up with convincing excuses so you won’t have to spend time with that person.

Continue using this tactic until your friend realizes what he has done and talks it out with you. Since this can take time, you can take this opportunity to spend time with other classmates or peers. Doing so also helps avoid creating further conflict or drama erupting from the rising tension.

While your friend will hopefully realize what he’s lost, time away from him will also clarify what you want in a peer.

3. Ask for Help!

Putting an end to a toxic teen friendship is indeed hard. Railer News highlights the fear of being alone and difficulty setting boundaries as the most common reasons adolescents cling to unhealthy friendships. Add that it’s emotionally wrenching to end that friendship if you have invested so much in it.

If you find it hard to uphold the boundaries you made, ask for advice or help. As mentioned earlier, it can be any adult you trust, your parents, or a more mature peer. They can help you keep your distance and even advise how best to handle the situation.

You can also ask the help of your school counselors for this matter. Though most teens associate them with career planning and college, they can also help you with personal issues. If, after listening to your problem, they deem you need further help, they can refer you to support groups or a therapist specializing in this field. Good Therapy has listed therapists or counselors per state, so you can quickly locate them.

4. Change Friendship Dynamics

Nothing will happen if there’s no action after a heart-to-heart talk with your peer. Now that he knows the reason for your change in behavior towards him, it’s time to lay down the ground rules. But know that this will only work if your peer thinks your friendship is worth saving.

If you haven’t told your friend yet the real reason, have a calm sit-down talk and be frank about it. Even if you want to lash out, refrain from doing so as you aim to let your peer know what behavior you don’t like. After that, allow him to process what you said and explain to you as well why he’s behaving that way. In case you feel that you’re not that close with your peer compared to before, tell him about it as well. This is what being assertive looks like. Stick to the main problem and avoid getting emotional during the talk.

Once you’re all clear with the issue, tell him about your boundaries. Limiting your interactions is one step to slowly changing your dynamics. One tip that Grown and Flown suggest is to find a new interest or activity that your toxic peer doesn’t share with you. This will help you in your personal growth and establish the space needed for both of you to heal.

5. End Friendship

Sadly, not all teen friendships have a happy ending. Even if you do the first four tips mentioned above and your peer slowly goes back to his old ways, stop it. Not only will your mental health benefit from it, but you’re also given a fresh start.

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If you see no real effort in your friend to patch things up with you after changing your friendship dynamics, then end your friendship. But, again, talk to your teen about how to handle it in the calmest manner possible.

If your teen and his friend get the chance, they can talk it out. But, if your adolescent doesn’t want to talk with him, he can avoid inviting him for one-on-one encounters. They can remain acquaintances, but your teenager limits close encounters with his ex-peer.

With this, your teen will end that toxic friendship without a fight. After all, he and his peer had previously shared a special relationship that would have prospered if things didn’t become unhealthy.

6. Find New Peers to Connect With

“When a door closes, a new window opens.” Though this adage most commonly refers to new opportunities in career or life, the same is true whenever a toxic teen friendship ends.

But, like any relationship, teen friendship breakups also go through the grieving process. Your teenager has invested not only time but his emotions as well with that person. Hence, it’s normal for him to feel pain and even regret after that friendship breakup.

So, let your teen acknowledge that this friendship has ended while explaining to him that it’s time to move on. If he has already started a new activity, encourage him to continue. New hobbies help your teenager connect with new people and have a chance to find “friends for keeps.”

Making new friends can be daunting, though. With the trauma from that friendship breakup comes a new set of reservations. Add that your teen is still adjusting to this new life without his peer. Hence, it’s okay to take his time in befriending anyone.

Respect Begets Respect in Any Relationship

Teen friendships, like any other relationship one will have in their lifetime, need respect. Respect means a feeling of admiration toward the other (but not the romantic type of admiration).

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If there is a blatant lack of respect, then that’s where the friendship becomes unhealthy or toxic. Overcome with Us cites the 5 steps teens can take to show respect to their peers. But, as teens value the friendships they make, they sometimes fail to see the unhealthy signs. Once you have explained it to them or they have confided about it, you can start changing the dynamics and set clear boundaries. They can always spend lesser time with that peer.

That time spent apart can lead to two things: make the friendship stronger by making amends or continue to a breakup. Whichever of the two happens, be an empathetic parent and support your teen in the decisions he’s making. They will eventually learn from the experience and discover the values they deem important in the new friendships they’ll make.

About Me

Hi, there. I am Lin. Together with my husband and two kids, we live in the beautiful Netherlands in Europe. I am dedicated to self-development, creating quality time for the whole family, and fully supporting kids with their potentials and possibilities with all I have learned from engineering, MBA, and 10+ years of working experience in the energy sector.