My kids are part-time students studying musical instruments at the Royal Musical School in Den Haag. A While ago, the school called for help. They have full-time students, but some of them live far away, and they need a home to crash from Monday to Friday. They want to ask if we can be guest parents for one teenager.
I rejected it initially, but the school called again and said they were out of options for one 16-year-old boy and wished us to reconsider it. We discussed family and decided to see the teenager and his family. The next day, we met the family and Mark. Here is where our story begins.
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Table of Contents
My first impression of Mark
Before I met Mark, my stereotypical imagination pictured a teenager who committed his career to classical ballet, either as handsome as David or a bit feminine. However, when Mark walked into our living room with his parents, we realized he was a typical teenager, like a boy next door. Mark’s parents were warm and friendly, which put us at ease.
As we all sat down to chat over some tea and cookies, his parents and Mark expressed all the journey they had passed. We learned that he had a deep passion for ballet and had been studying in his hometown for four years. He passed to audition for Royal Dance School and decided to pursue ballet as his career in combination with his regular school.
I was pretty impressed with Mark’s maturity, which belied his age. He spoke eloquently about his love for ballet and dedication to his studies. It was evident that he was a driven and talented young dancer.
Mark’s parents explained their situation, emphasizing how important it was for him to have a stable place to stay during the school week. They assured us that he was responsible and would respect our family’s rules and routines if we agreed to be the guest parents for teenager.
By the end of the appointment, Mark seemed like a well-adjusted and promising young man, and his parents also appeared reasonable. We agreed to consider it for both sides and revert immediately.
Family Meeting
In the evening, after Mark and his parents had left, we discussed whether we wanted to welcome Mark as a guest family. The atmosphere in our living room was a mix of curiosity, excitement, and lingering concerns.
Our son, Yojan, asks if we disagree on where Mark will sleep after school. For him, there are not many musical boys among his peers. It could be an excellent example for him. Minghe, the younger sister, is concerned about whose toilet Mark will use and whether he can play with her.
As parents, my husband and I shared our concerns and thoughts. We discussed how this experience could be valuable for our children, exposing them to different cultures and perspectives. We also acknowledged the responsibility of hosting a teenager and what we expect from Mark. The most determining point for us is that we would like to observe and learn the life and schedule of an art student, as we probably also need to make the decision soon for our kids: either they follow the regular school system, or they follow their talent and transfer to musical school as a full-time student.
We considered logistics, such as setting up a suitable space for Mark and arranging a schedule accommodating everyone’s needs. We also discussed rules and boundaries to ensure a harmonious living arrangement.
Ultimately, after a thorough and open discussion, we decided to give this opportunity a chance as a family. We believed that having Mark stay with us could be a rewarding experience for all of us, and it aligned with our values of openness and generosity.
With our decision, we contacted Mark’s parents to inform them of our willingness to host Mark as guest parents for teenager for three months. Our unique journey with Mark begins.
Write a contract and discuss responsibility and liability with Mark’s parents.
In nutshell, the dancing school Mark goes to has complete protocol if kids are injured. Also, Mark’s parents are taking full responsibility for a medical procedure. We need to offer him food (breakfast and dinner) and utilities (shower, electricity, etc.) as guest parents.
To be clear, I also prepared a contract (teenager guest parents hosting agreement) for them to sign. The template is listed below. We sent the contract to Mark’s parents, and with all the surprise, we got the first-time culture shock.
First Culture Shock
Mark’s parents mentioned that they should pay us for his stay. Initially, we did not consider it, as we set up the three months and prepared to give kindness to the dedicated and self-determined young man. However, when they insisted, we thought of a symbolic number of 360 euros/month, including everything. Why this number? This is the accommodation fee we paid 15 years ago when we came to the Netherlands. We thought it would be a nice gesture to give it back to society.
With the average student renting price of 1000 euro/month in the Den Haag area, we thought this was a small number with food and utility. I did not go into detail for calculation but gave this number.
However, Mark’s parents started to negotiate to 300 euros/month. When I saw the message that they were trying to negotiate for 60 euros/month, I was angry and almost called off the deal. First, the price is almost nothing compared to the market price. If I were them, I would only add up instead of negotiating. Secondly, they did not even say thank you and started negotiating. It sounds like they do not see it as a favor but as a business deal. Thirdly, negotiating 60 euros/month makes me think they count every penny. Based on our meeting, they seem to be quite comfortable, middle-class families.
I proposed another family meeting and told my husband and kids I was unhappy and wanted to reject the deal.
Second Family Meeting
Yojan: Mom, why are you so angry?
Me: I am not happy with their attitude and behavior.
Papa: You cannot see the attitude through messages.
Me: It shows the behavior clearly. I want to avoid the risk that I regret later.
Minghe: We want Mark to stay here to experience the life of having an art professional kid. Do you still like the idea?
Me: Yes, I like it still, but I am not sure with Mark’s family
Yojan: School will start next week if we do not accept Mark. Does he go to sleep in a hotel or on the street?
Me: Maybe not. Mark probably needs to join online from his house.
(Both Yojan and Minghe laughing: Dancing from Zoom? What if he needs to hold other hands?)
Yojan: Mom, can Mark afford 60 euros/month?
Me: I think so, but I never checked
Papa: Before you mentioned the price, we even offered it for free. Why the number 360 euros is so essential to you?
Me: I was not expecting anything in the beginning. However, it has the anchoring effect after being linked with our memory. I would not change the number lightly.
Papa: Do they know the number is an anchor now?
Me: Probably not, but that is not a reason to negotiate if they have common sense for the renting price now.
Minghe: Mama, what is the anchoring effect?
Me: It is something you are referring to. For example, if a glass of water costs 2 euros, how much would a glass of juice cost?
Minghe: I will put the juice 1 euro more because it tastes better.
Papa: If a glass of water cost 1 euro? How about the glass of juice?
Minghe: I guess 2 euros?
Me: The water price is your anchor now. You use it to decide the price of juice.
Yojan: Maybe it is a habit that they negotiate for everything.
…….
After the second meeting, we agreed to reply to Mark’s parents in Dutch, “We would like to stick to the 360 euro/month if it is not a financial constraint for you.”
And Mark’s parents are OK with the amount.
Mark Moved in
Mark moved in on that week Sunday. Therefore, our journey with a Dutch teenager started.
Stay tuned for more reflections and stories!
Final Thoughts from Pragmatic Lifestyle – Our Benefit
Having a teenager at home is definitely challenging and we even do not have the experience. I keeping asking myself why I open the house for an unknown teenager.
The answer is curiosity. I would like to observe more the local teenager life and prepare myself for my kids. I am also curious about the pre professional art student life, how can I help Yojan and Minghe when they need to make decision.
So, the benefit and unique experience is for both sides and glad I open myself a bit more for that. Let’s see what is the feedback after 2 weeks.
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