Every parent wants to protect their kids, the soft, vulnerable baby you bring into the world. It is your responsibility to help them to survive and enjoy the world to fulfill their dreams. However, the role of a parent is not to protect their kid from all suffering. Holding this thought can be a warning sign of becoming helicopter or overprotective parents who can block their child’s full potential. We listed the reasons and dangers for being such overprotective and helicopter parents and provided how to avoid step by step.
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Table of Contents
Common Behaviors of Helicopter or Overprotective Parenting
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Overprotective ‘helicopter’ parents may display some of the following mannerisms or behaviors:
1. Parents schedule or manage most of their kids’ activities
The primary sign of an overprotective parent is having their child’s entire life planned out, such as sports, music, playdates, performances, etc. However, it may provide too much structure or stimulation for a child in one week. Children require free time to allow their imaginations to run wild. Furthermore, children require downtown, and their bodies can often tell them when they need to relax. Kids’ schedules should have time to choose how they want to spend their time. However, the constant micromanagement of kids’ pursuits will destroy his genuineness, and he will only follow his parents’ preferences.
2. They override kids for responsibility and continually check up on
Tidy up the room, make their beds, do their laundry, etc. Kids need to start from somewhere to learn to take responsibility. Doing chores is the best opportunity. When learning, either sort out their closet or return their toy. Do not continually check up on them.
3. They console their kids too much
Of course, seeing your child get upset when others are mean to them breaks your heart. However, some parents want to fix the hurt feelings by overcompensating the kids with ice cream, a new toy, extra TVs, etc., during a hug, letting kids process the emotions and talk about the accident and how to prevent it. Make your child learn the self-soothe emotion for such minor incidents. After all, you can’t protect, compensate and make him happy after every tragic event.
4. They negotiate for their kids’ friendship and conflicts
Like the mom I referred to in the previous article, she is eager to protect her kids and would like to negotiate for her kid in a childhood conflict. Moreover, she tends to lift to something significant, such as bullying or creating a safe environment for her kids. I fully understand the feeling that she would like to protect her kids. But it is an inappropriate involvement and preventing the potential for kids to solve the issue by themselves. The perfect “safe” environment is not existing.
5. They cannot Let their kids fail
Nobody likes watching their child fail, but if you jump in to rescue them whenever they experience problems, they won’t learn from their mistakes. If you’re quick to tell them the correct answer every time they struggle to figure out their homework, or you intervene at the first hint of a problem during a play date, your child won’t develop problem-solving skills.
Sometimes, kids need to experience failure firsthand. Recovering from failure allows children to discover how they can do things differently in the future.
6. Involve How School Treat Their Kids
Many parents I interact with are balanced and supportive. However, while I met some parents who are overprotective and overinvolved, they quickly assume that their child is being bullied or rush to blame others when their child has done something wrong, particularly when they don’t have all the facts. They defend, rescue, enable–or worse– make their child into a victim. Unfortunately, these parents can make solving an issue involving their child more complex at school.
The helicopter parents can frequently argue with their kids’ teachers, sports coaches, or other caregivers about how their kids are treated. They expect the school to assist them in protecting their child against both minor and significant challenges, e.g., calling teachers to demand a better grade or asking for special treatment like additional classes. They often approach school each time a minor incident occurs. Believe everything their child tells them without further clarification and Readily blame, find fault with a teacher, other school staff, or other children. For example, “I know my son, and he will never beat other kids,” “She is much smarter than other kids, so she should have her English lesson with a higher group.”
Why Do Parents Become Helicopter Parents?
Family styles have changed over the recent decades, e.g., in smaller-sized families, older birth age, fewer children in one family, and double-income families. Many parents make huge ’emotional investments’ in their children and have more significant and, for some, unrealistic expectations of them.
Parents, in general, are concerned about the safety and welfare of their children, especially the mental health. While many parents believe in their children’s ability to cope with age-appropriate challenges, some are unduly concerned and feel their responsibility is to protect their children from all the dangers, challenges, hardships, and possible disappointments. Such parents turn overprotective and tend to monitor their child and take control of his life constantly.
1. They want to give Kids a Happy Childhood
The helicopter parents come from good intentions, especially when the parents had a tough childhood with neglectful or uninvolved parents. They may have wished their parents would come to watch their football matches and concerts or be more involved with their school performances. They pay excess attention and monitoring to ensure their children do not feel like they did in their childhood. It is also a healing process for them to comfort the little kids in their inner hearts.
2. Peer Pressure
With the pressure for success, either through news or comparing to neighbors, parents may build up high expectations of their kids. Every kid needs to play a musical instrument, or they need to participate in competitive sports. Their extra-curriculum is packed with different activities, Monday for swimming, Tuesday for painting, Wednesday for music, etc. The bar is getting higher and higher. In my hometown, people even do not think playing piano is an extra-curriculum as too many kids can play piano. Parents fear their kids will “lose the battle” at the start because of their less engagement. Therefore, they put lots of energy into competing with their parents’ peers.
3. Fear of terrible outcomes
As a consequence of the peer pressure, parents also worry about their child’s possible failures. They believe their involvement can help their kids to avoid a lousy performance at school or disappointment in life.
4. Anxiety about the world
Some parents are anxious about the economy, and safety in the world, in general, can make them take over control of their children to overprotect them.
The Impact of Helicopter or Overprotective Parenting on Children
Being a helicopter parent is not all negative. At least the kids are well taken care of, so they arrive at school on time, finish their homework, and are generally well-prepared for their activities. Parents know how their kids are doing at school and will do everything possible to support them, such as study, bullying, or mental health concerns. They also volunteer for school and join as room parents (PTA). School and other kids can often benefit from their energy and time. Besides the positive aspects, there are many negative results for their kids because of overparenting.
a. Kids have difficulty dealing with friendship issues independently
As the parents quickly jump during kids’ conflicts, their kids have fewer opportunities to sort out their friendship issues. They are less likely to cope in adolescence and at risk of developing mental health issues.
b. Kids rely on their parents and do not develop the advocacy and problem-solving skills
Helicopter parents do so many things for their kids. Normal kids see it as a habit and never learn to do it themselves. But everyone needs problem-solving skills; toddlers learn to count numbers, and college graduates learn to navigate their careers. They need to learn to express their needs, ask questions, obtain clarification and speak up when they require assistance. They must know how to tackle their issues and solve them independently. If parents intervene at the first sign of trouble, kids cannot learn valuable problem-solving skills.
c. Kids Foster Low Self-Esteem and Self-Worth
Yes, precisely the opposite of the parent’s intention! They developed a somewhat ungrounded sense of entitlement by keeping their kids in a safe, warm, encouraging, and loving environment. But hearing from your parents how special you are does not build self-confidence because self-esteem comes from self-awareness and peer evaluation. Having parents constantly watch over everything kids can transfer a message that they are not capable, competent, or good enough to manage their own life.
d. Kids are Prone to Anxiety and Depression
Overprotective parenting stems from anxiety: the parent is aware that the world is not that nice and beautiful, so they are concerned that their children will be physically or emotionally harmed. The anxiety and fear are transmitted to the child, who internalizes it and becomes anxious and fearful outside their comfort zone.
e. Impacts on the Family Relationship
Assume you are constantly nagging your kids to complete homework, judge their hairstyle, or check their every move. They’re unlikely to feel optimistic about your interactions. Instead, doing so may push your child away and lead them to question if you trust their judgment and abilities.
f. People-pleasing and approval-seeking tendencies
It stands to reason that when kids constantly seek approval from their parents.
Overprotective parents place a higher value on dependency than on autonomy. Kids learn to please others to get their needs, which has disastrous consequences for their interpersonal relationships because they are afraid to stand up for themselves for fear of abandonment, rejection, or disapproval.
They grow up being overly reliant on their parents’ opinions. They can be overly concerned with how others perceive them and what they think of them, becoming overly sensitive to any subtle sign of criticism or judgment and defensive and upset.
g. Sincerity and authenticity toward oneself and others
When gaining the helicopter parents’ approval is so important to kids, they may be unable to express their beliefs and pretend to get the best results from the outside world. Living authentically, honestly, and with integrity towards yourself and others can hamper it. Kids may be frequently disappointed and accumulate resentment and frustration towards themselves while appearing passive.
The Unspoken Dangers of Being a Helicopter or Overprotective Parent
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We spend quite some words about the negative impact on kids, but being an overprotective parent harms the parents themselves.
I. They focus on kids too much and forget their hardship
Overprotective parents tend to prioritize their kids’ needs, and they may put their careers, interests, and relationships on hold. Life needs to be developed as balanced and not over-excessive on one thing all the time, including kids. Focus on yourself sometimes and get a life.
II. Other parents will exclude you and your kids
Parents talk, especially on conflicts and no matter how confidential you want to be. The fight on the playground, the late-night WhatsApp message, the disagreement on school structure, etc., quickly spreads your overprotective behaviors. Most parents want to avoid you and your kids to protect themselves from conflicts.
III. Your Return on Investment is too low
Compared with the time and energy they invested in kids, I genuinely believe there are better returns on oneself. Instead of fully booking your kids’ schedule and becoming the taxi driver to different extra-curriculum, you can spend the same hours on yourself to learn new things. The time and money you have spent practicing music with kids is uncontrollable and could result in resistance and family conflict. On the other hand, you can start learning piano yourself or, with kids, turn to fun family activities.
IV. Ungrateful child
“My kids do not help with the housework. I even have to clean up their bedroom. They are teenagers now”. “Kids only consider themselves and lock themselves in their bedroom.” Many parents have the same complaints. The overwhelming love has made kids less responsible and less considerable.
V. You are at risk for your health
High anxiety and control pressure can put kids at risk for depression and burnout, as do the parents. Uncontrolled anxiety can link with long-term physical health problems. How many of you have anger control issues while with kids in mathematics homework?
How To Avoid Being Helicopter Parenting?
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1) Aware of Developmental Milestones
You can start by giving responsibilities and freedom according to each child’s developmental stage while knowing what suits each age. CDC is the best resource, and they also list the general safety aspects for kids and positive parenting tips. For example, when your kids turn young teens (12 to 14), you can start discussing sensitive subjects such as drugs, drinking, smoking, and sex with them.
2) Risk assessment and responsibility
While you know kids’ development milestones, doing a risk assessment and explaining the responsibility. For example, “my kids want to ride a bike to go to their friends alone. Should I allow it? ”
First of all, identify the risks in this process, e.g., kids can fall from the bike and hurt themselves, maybe a car run and hit my kids, maybe there is kidnap, or other terrible things can happen.
Secondly, analyze the risks. Are my kids old enough to control the bike? Can they read the traffic light and follow the rules? How are the road conditions? Do you feel safe in the neighborhood?
Thirdly, express your worries with your kids. “After the accident two years ago in the street, mom is always scared to watch you passing the street.” “I am afraid you fell off the bike. You just learned it”.
Fourthly, find a solution together. “Can we go there together for the first three times, and then we will decide whether you can go alone?” We need to get some safety devices, such as a safety jacket, bike lights, reflector, helmet, etc.”.
Finally, if they ask for something you are not ready to give, list essential things for them to accomplish/ understand before they can go to the next step.
3) Let kids take the responsibility and consequences
Teaching your child responsibility is essential and can start from the appropriate age. Remember that just because they are ready to take a risk doesn’t mean they will do everything without mistakes. The parent’s job is to teach them to be independent but always be there for their kid. If the kids make a wrong decision, try not to bounce over them. Instead, give them time to digest and feel the pain and discomfort as part of the grow-up journey.
4) Do not take your worries over your child.
Do not imagine the negative consequences; search for evidence to confirm your worries. such as “Is her shyness because of a lack of confidence?” Also, avoid interrogating her when you are anxious by asking: “Are you fine?” “Is it looking awkward?” “Are you sure?” “Can you handle it?”
Do not search for evidence to confirm your worries about your kid.
5) Do not get offended if your child chooses a different path
If you try getting into your child’s head, she will not be able to perceive her dreams and thoughts. If you feel she is thinking differently from you, do not argue about it. Instead, give her a chance to explore. Do not stop her when she gives opinions far from what you have. Realize that your child is not a version of yourself but a person with goals, feelings, thoughts, values, hopes, and dreams.
6) Practice Safety and Teach them problem-solving
If you’re worried that kids may jeopardize their safety, try to practice the skills by trying and training under supervision. By doing this, kids can learn how to react in emergencies, e.g. use pocket knives [TED talk “5 Dangerous Things You Should Let Your Children Do,” by computer scientist Gever Tulley]. Teaching them to resolve conflict and work through problems helps build resilience that will stay with them into adulthood.
Conclusion
There is no doubt that you would want the best for your child. But you cannot become so obsessive that you take over the life-steering from their hands. Allow your kids to face the consequences, make mistakes, and solve problems. Be there for your children when they need it.
Although it is a challenging task, it benefits your child in the long run. Start to retract from their lives by helping them make minor decisions. Eventually, you may start to leave the big decisions to them.
About Me
Hi, there. I am Lin. Together with my husband and two kids, we live in the beautiful Netherlands in Europe. I am dedicated to self-development, creating quality time for the whole family, and fully supporting kids with their potentials and possibilities with all I have learned from engineering, MBA, and 10+ years of working experience in the energy sector.
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