Before Mark moved in, I was talking with a friend about it. I said I was curious about how to chat with teenagers and their thoughts. My friend who has a teenage son replied: you are overthinking. They will not talk at all and go directly to their room. After the first week, I realized she was entirely correct. Sometimes I was doubting, are teenagers independence or indifference?
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Table of Contents
Small Things We Observed
Mark is a highly independent and self-sufficient teenager. For example, he controls his time and does not need us to wake him up or ask him if he finished his homework. Moreover, if he has to stay late for school, he never calls us to pick him up, even in bad weather or when public transportation does not operate. Either he will arrange a sleepover with his dance friends, or he will find a way home. He never wants to bother us more. I was heavily impressed by the self-disciplinary and independence.
However, teenagers independence has two sides and I feel it is close to indifference sometimes. For example, one day, he sent a message that he would be late home. However, neither his parents nor we got an update after 10 p.m. We started to worry about him and call him endlessly.
Another small example is that Mark took the juice from the fridge during dinner and put it back. He never asks my two kids when he pours out the juice. When my boy knocks on his door to ask if he has time to play, most of the time is a rejection. When he talks, there is always an glance for his mobile phone. Of course, he is swamped and tired, but I can see the disappointment on my kids’ faces.
The balance between teenagers independence and indifference
Independence can be a positive trait in many ways. However, balancing independence and consideration for others is essential, especially when living in a shared household. Here are some suggestions to address the situation:
1. Open Communication
Initiate a conversation with the teenager to understand their perspective and expectations while living with your family and encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings about household routines, responsibilities, and expectations by active listening.
We usually have the family talk during dinner and after dinner. However, Mark is often absent because of the heavy school workload, so we could not talk that much. But we still try to pay full attention when he speaks and maintain eye contact if possible.
Asking Open-ended questions could be a good idea, but I do not think it suits us. When we ask, “How do you feel?” most of the time, the answer is “Uhu, fine.” The topic stopped relatively fast and inefficiently. It is the same answer as “Did that bother you?”
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2. Expressing Your Feelings instead of blaming
Share your thoughts and emotions honestly and respectfully. Use “I” statements to express how you feel, e.g., “I feel concerned when…” rather than “You always…”. Focus on the issue or behavior rather than blaming the person. Instead of saying, “It seems that you are ignoring kids’ feelings,” try, “We are curious about what your school day looks like.”
Try to understand the other person’s perspective and feelings. Imagine you are 16 years old only, and you live with someone other than your parents. How do you feel? I must feel nervous and will be very alert to make any mistake. So, you need to validate their emotions by acknowledging how they feel, even if you don’t necessarily agree with their viewpoint. Instead of making accusatory statements, express your feelings and needs using “I” statements, e.g., “I would appreciate it if we could discuss your daily plans in advance.” Or “We would be grateful if you could help our kids.”
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3. Set Clear Expectations:
Establish clear guidelines and expectations for household chores, mealtime etiquette, and responsibilities. Make sure everyone in the household understands and agrees to these expectations. So teenagers can be both independence and indifference.
Chores and Responsibilities:
“Each family member is responsible for specific chores. We will rotate these chores weekly, and everyone is expected to complete their assigned tasks by Saturday afternoon.”
“We expect everyone to clean up after themselves. This means putting away toys, dishes, and personal items.”
Mealtime Etiquette:
“We will all sit together at the dining table during meals. We expect everyone to be present and participate in mealtime conversation, no one uses the phone.”
“Please ask if anyone else wants something when you’re getting food or drinks, to ensure everyone has what they need.”
Homework and Study Time:
“Each evening, we will have a designated study or homework time. We expect everyone to focus on their schoolwork during this time without distractions.” “If you need help with your homework, please don’t hesitate to ask for assistance. We’re here to support you.”
Curfew and Communication:
“We have a curfew of 10:00 p.m. on school nights. Please let us know if you need to stay out later.”
“We expect you to inform us of your whereabouts and any changes to your plans so that we can ensure your safety.”
Respect for Privacy:
“Respect each other’s privacy by knocking on closed bedroom doors and waiting for permission before entering.”
“If you’d like to have friends over, please check with us in advance and let us know who will be visiting and when.”
“We expect everyone to be polite and respectful to our guests and your friends.”
Conflict Resolution:
“If there is a disagreement or conflict, we encourage open communication. Please discuss the issue calmly and respectfully.”
“We expect everyone to work together to find a solution and resolve conflicts peacefully.”
When setting clear expectations, it’s essential to involve all family members in the discussion and ensure that the expectations are reasonable and adaptable as circumstances change. This helps create a sense of responsibility and accountability within the family while maintaining a positive and respectful atmosphere.
4. Encourage Inclusivity and Consideration for Others
Encouraging Inclusivity and consideration for others is essential for fostering a positive and harmonious atmosphere within a family or shared household, and to encourage teenagers independence and indifference. Here are some examples of how to promote Inclusivity and consideration among family members:
- Mealtime Etiquette:
“Let’s make it a habit to ask each other if they want something when we’re getting food or drinks. It helps everyone feel included and valued at the table.”
“During dinner, we can take turns sharing the highlights of our day. It’s a great way to include everyone in the conversation.”
- Celebrating Achievements:
“When we achieve something, let’s celebrate it together as a family. It could be a good grade, a sports victory, or any personal accomplishment.”
- Respecting Differences:
“We are all unique, and it’s essential to respect each other’s differences, whether in hobbies, interests, or personalities.”
- Volunteer or Charity Activities:
“As a family, let’s engage in volunteer work or support charitable activities together. It’s a way to instill empathy and a sense of giving back.”
- Conflict Resolution:
“When conflicts arise, let’s approach them with empathy and a willingness to find a compromise that considers everyone’s needs and feelings.”
“Teach conflict resolution skills, like taking deep breaths and using ‘I’ statements, to encourage respectful communication during disagreements.”
5. Lead by Example:
“As parents, we will model inclusive behavior and consideration for others in our interactions with family members and others in the community.”
“We can set the tone for the household by demonstrating kindness, patience, and understanding daily.”
Encouraging Inclusivity and consideration for others is an ongoing process that helps create a warm and supportive family environment where everyone feels valued and respected. It’s essential to reinforce these values through words and actions consistently.
Final Thoughts from Pragmatic Lifestyle
It’s essential to create an environment where everyone feels comfortable and respected. Addressing these issues through open communication and setting clear expectations can help foster a harmonious living situation for everyone in the household.
Related Reading:
- 8 Tips and Strategies to Coping with Parenting Burnout
- 5 Examples of Turn Chores to Habits, Toddlers and Young Schoolers
- 7 Fun and Effective Ways of Teaching Young Kids to Do Chores
- 12 Things can Help Raise Kids with Diversity and Inclusion in Mind
- What Should Parents Do? A Story about Kids Lie and Sibling Fight
- Talking About Birds and Bees (sex) to Your Kids
The Most Luxury Love – Spend time together
My husband and I have a full working schedule as working parents. Sometimes, we are so tired and cannot spend extra “waste time” with our kids. I always wish my kids could grow a bit faster and be a bit more independent. With Mark moving in, I realized they were getting busier and busier with time. Their world will be more expansive, and having dinner together is even a luxury. Enjoy every moment now, and be more patient and open.
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