An old Dutch is saying, “twee ruilen, een huilen (two changes, one cries)”. This describes the situation when kids change toys or other things. In many cases, one kid feels uncomfortable and regretful and cries. Parents can take this opportunity to teach kids how to deal with such situations, how to negotiate again, set up boundaries, and prevent similar regret next time. However, last week, I experienced something different while kids changed Pokémon card. The parent I met is rather overprotective and talked with me on high moral ground. She was trying to help her daughter solve conflicts but made it worse. I want to share the story with all the privacy protection of the kid and parent. If you have similar experience with helicopter parent or good suggestions, I will be thrilled to discuss them.
Related Reading:
- 8 Best Positive and Gentle Parenting Books for Toddlers’ Parents
- 5 Unspoken Dangers of Helicopter and Overprotective Parents
- 14 Toy Organization and Storage Ideas for Kid’s Room
- 7 Classic Discipline Strategy That Still Work (on primary school kids)
- 7 Old-fashioned Discipline Techniques You Should Avoid At All (on primary school kids)
Table of Contents
Background
Day 1 in the Night
My daughter Minghe (6 years old) changed a Pokémon card at school with her schoolmate A (7 years old). The card is from another child, and I checked the price is around $2. Minghe and A go to the same ballet lesson after school. In the evening, the mother texted me with a long message and told me that the two girls had some misunderstanding. To quote the whole message, I put it below:
“Hello! A’s mom is here. There seems to be a misunderstanding at school today between A and Minghe. Minghe wanted to trade a Pokémon card with A, but A did not want to but let Minghe temporarily have it. Minghe said that she would give it back in the ballet class. However, at the ballet lesson, Minghe said that a trade is a trade, and she would keep the card. A is sad about it because, for her, It was not trading. A did not get any card from Minghe, and the card was given to her by her friend. She was under the impression that Minghe would return the card to her.
Now I want to emphasize that it is not about the Pokémon card itself, but what is important for me is the mismatched understanding and the meaning of trading. Could you talk to Minghe to see what is happening? This sounds like a gimmick issue 😀but I do not want it to escalate or cause any future conflict.”
I was surprised since I knew many kids change Pokémon cards at school, and most parents interfere when they see kids get expensive cards from others. If it is a normal card, we just let the kids to practice and learn the negotiation skills without being a helicopter parent. So my first reaction is, please let A talk with Minghe to get the card back. Kids need to deal with it themselves. However, both of them are still young, so I went to Minghe to ask if there was any misunderstanding and further addressed her respect “No” from other children. She was aggrieved but firmly said, “she gave it to me.” So I told her maybe other children changed their ideas after a second thought, or maybe she did not hear the “No” from A. We also practiced the different ways of saying “No.”
Therefore, I texted back to A’s mother:
“Hi, I checked with Minghe, and her story is “the card is from another kid, he gave it to A, and A gave it to Minghe,” I asked her to bring the card and check with A tomorrow again if A is sure to give to Minghe. If A wants the card, Minghe will give it back.”
The Situation Get Unclear
I received a super long message from her again:
“It is good to learn about her side of the story. I believe that communication is broken somewhere somehow. A is now sleeping, but I am sure that A wants to have it back. Could you please let Minghe know this to prevent further conflict? From A’s story, she felt pressured to share the card with Minghe because Minghe was very assertive about this particular card. She said Yes for Minghe to have it and stressed that it is temporary and agreed that Minghe would return it to her at the ballet (I think this is where misalignment happened), and when it did not happen, A returned home feeling very sad. She will be delighted to know if she can get it back.
Also, I do not want everything to happen simultaneously, but A reported that Minghe kept patting her tummy at the ballet even after repeatedly saying no. Today is not the first time. It does not hurt her physically, but it makes her self-conscious. As a mom of a girl, I believe you understand how concerning it is that kids this age start to have this thought😩I must say that Minghe is not responsible for A’s self-consciousness, but it is important that they learn to respect each other’s boundaries. Please do not press Minghe about this; I want to flag this with you.
I told A to practice enforcing her boundary. They are so young and need to practice this (so do grown-ups). Is it usually a way that Minghe shows closeness/affection? A is sensitive and soft. She does not use this kind of expression, especially after communicating her discomfort. I only consult/share this with you because I would also want to know if my child causes other kids’ discomfort so I could be watchful.
Ahhhh parenthood!! I hope you understand my intentions. This is not my kid- your kid scenario, but thoughtful parents trying and supporting each other to navigate parenthood. “
To be honest, I do not understand and lost about what she really wanted, returning the card or encouraging her daughter to set boundaries? It seems a bit too much protection from A’s mother. So I sent her a short message to confirm.
“Hey, A’s parent, I understand you want Minghe to return the card to A directly. Am I right? Speaking about parenting, I can ask Minghe to give directly to A, that is the easiest way, but I also think it is good for A to say no to Minghe, and they complete their story. A also can learn how to say no, and Minghe also understands “no is a no.”
I will instruct Minghe depending on your answer. Either ask once again or directly give back.”
Day 2
She replied with further information very late in the next morning.
“Oh I agree. A can learn to be more assertive. That is why I asked A to talk it out with Minghe at school today. I discussed this with you so you can let Minghe know that it is coming. I need to stress that A did say no, but Minghe did not take no for answer. A got really stressed before temporarily giving the card out with a condition. The same goes to the tummy patting which she has just told me before sleeping that she need to keep telling her repeatedly to stop. I am not sure how her no’s look like in both cases. It could be that it is not firm/forceful enough or not done in the way that Minghe can receive the message. I will let you know how it goes.
I was more confused as she seemed only to want to inform me but also wanted me to take action. But never mind, as long as the two girls sought things out, I am more than happy already.
In the afternoon, A’s mom text me after school time finished.
A’s mom:
Hi. It looks like that they negotiated some how to share the card. I am not sure how it works practically but Minghe will bring the card home.
Me:
Hi, A’s mom, thanks for the update! I am still at work, but good to hear! Does A happy about it? Do you mind if I call you?
A’s mom:
Not a right moment now to call, and I really have no idea now before talking to A. She ran out with another kid. Eventually it is not really about the card. For me, It is about A learns to be assertive and enforce her boundaries despite external pressure. She was not happy about HOW the card was taken from her (not the card itself, I can confirm it) Minghe came up with the idea to share. Since it is never about the card for A and if there was no pressure then i think we may come to the closing the case. Of course, I would hope that it is more clear cut that either one of them have it because this is a opening risk for a new conflict o how to handle the card. I want to talk to A and gauge if she is OK just to give it away or keep the arrangement. If there is any issue arises we can also see it as a new chance to learn.
In my mind, the simple case is closed already. We chatted about it during dinner time and I even told Minghe “good job and remind her to share the card”
The Idea Changed Again
But the story seems never ends….. I got another long messages in the midnight and she changed her idea.
“I talked to A in detail. It is clear to me that my attempt to let them sort it out themselves did not work out but escalate. After long and hard contemplation, I decided to intervene and demand to have the card returned to A by Thursday.
I am hesitant to get into the detail of A’s version of the incidents. I am sure that Minghe has her version, too. No matter which version holds more facts, the bottom line is still the card belongs to A and from her standpoint, she was once again pressured to choose between sharing the card or exchanging it with another card. These are creative choices, but it is not what I believe to be a fair, logical exchange or negotiation. Therefore, I want to end this assertiveness practice. While carefully navigating these incidents, it becomes clear to me that above my wish for her to be assertive, I value honesty, respect and fairness.
Let’s not have our kids believe that it is an OK thing to do by being complicit in silence. Let’s teach them the right thing.
While it is a good opportunity to teach kids about trust, friendship and assertiveness, it is crucial that A feels safe and not pressured into choosing between a bad choice and a worse one. And how can kids learn when they do not feel safe? As you are a protective and attentive mom who once volunteered to be a class mother because other kids mentioned that she is small, I trust that we share the same value to protect our kids’ psychological safety. And this is where I need to draw the line.
Please kindly inform Minghe to return the card to A without any further negotiation.
When I received the last sentence, I thought I was not talking with a 7 year old daughter’s mother over one Pokémon card, but my company lawyer told me I had stolen the company laptop.
Last Message
So, I sent out the last message and blocked her.
Hi, I have no idea why the story changed left and right on your side, unsolved, solved, unsolved. It confused me, and it confused Minghe as well…..But never mind, I would like to end on my side. I value they make their own choice, and as a Dutch saying “twee ruilen een huilen”. It happens to Minghe, and it happens to anyone, but a deal is a deal.
I take action to be the class parent, to be involved in the actual situation, but not talk to the other parents after the situation. You can solve it on the spot. Since it is not the same opinion as yours, I am entirely against the sentence, “Please kindly inform Minghe to return the card to A without any further negotiation.”
You are not her HR or the judge in this case, and you do not have the right to inform her. I understand you want to protect your daughter, but we asked them to negotiate, and you also agreed. Now You and A changed your opinion and “informed us to return the card” But anyway, I will still discuss it with Minghe tomorrow morning. If she does not want to return, I will support her. It is not about the card but how they set up boundaries, how they can solve challenges themselves and how much respect you value for their decisions. I think we can end the communication now.
Day 3
With my husband, we reopened the discussion with Minghe and Yojan to discuss what would happen if someone did not stick to the deal. The kids answered that there might be a fight, a war, or punishment. We also discussed the reasons why someone does not stick to their decision. Maybe the person has a reason or does not feel responsible, etc.
In the end, I told them what happened over the Pokémon card, and we left the option to Minghe either choose to return the card or keep it.
She told me after one minute, Mom, I would return the card to A, but I will not change any Pokémon card with her anymore. We maybe still friends, but I will only play with her at school.
We said, Minghe, and we respect your decision. I am so proud of your assertiveness and creativity. Thank you, my little girl.
A Reflection from Pragmatic Lifestyle
I have met many parents, but this is the first helicopter parent made me angry and block her contacts. A, as a little girl, she can change her ideas, say yes at school and cry at home, but my challenge is, why the parent let this happening? By doing this, you are not teaching your kid to respect their decision and take the consequences. It is just a $2 Pokemon card, I thought it is a perfect chance to learn but apparently other parent do not think the same.
Follow up, I read many articles about helicopter or overprotective parent and here is my main take-aways:
- Communicate with other parents, check if they are on the same page about solve kids conflicting.
- Once you sense he or she is overprotective, do not waste any time in putting written communications, if you can solve it by phone call, do it quickly. Otherwise, it going to be endless and waste your time.
About Me
Hi, there. I am Lin. Together with my husband and two kids, we live in the beautiful Netherlands in Europe. I am dedicated to self-development, creating quality time for the whole family, and fully supporting kids with their potentials and possibilities with all I have learned from engineering, MBA, and 10+ years of working experience in the energy sector.
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