It is hard to know what to say to your children that you are getting a divorce. You want to ensure they understand what is happening, but you also want to protect their feelings. The unfortunate thing is that many marriages end in divorce. In 2022, expect the divorce rate to be at least 44.2%, which is based on a marriage rate of 5.1 people per 1,000 population and a divorce rate of 2.3 people per 1,000 population, meaning nearly half of all marriages will end in divorce. It must be clear and concise when you tell your kids about separation and divorce. You should avoid using words that could be interpreted negatively. Having a script to say to kids about divorce can be helpful.
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Table of Contents
How Divorce Affects Your Children
The separation and divorce can impact on kids both positive and negative. On one hand, it can lead to increased independence and self-reliance. On the other hand, a divorce can create feelings of insecurity and instability. Unfortunately, most children experience far more negative effects from divorce, and these effects can be short-term or long-term.
Children may feel shocked, confused, and angry in the short term. They may have trouble sleeping and eating and difficulty concentrating in school. Moreover, your children may not understand why you are getting a divorce, and they may think that they did something to cause the divorce. Most children report having “painful feelings” concerning their parents’ divorce.
Over the long term, children of divorce are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. They may have difficulty in forming relationships.
Before Divorce – Have you consider the following things?
There is never a “best divorce timing” for both parents and kids. Here are some practical things you need to sort out with your ex before you tell your kids.
- If your kids have particular attachment with one side?
- Do they know about your conflict?
- In any case of absence, who is the back up of you two?
- Are both of you financially stable? Do you need to change your lifestyle?
- Do kids need to change school? Can you try to provide a stable environment for kids during the intense family change period
- Can kids have friends who has similar experience can support them?
- Are you and your ex able to put aside your own feeling and discuss the best benefit for kids?
- Are your kids adapting change easily?
Prepare for the Divorce Conversation
Honesty is essential when you tell your children about your divorce, and you should avoid lying to them or telling them half-truths. It is also essential to avoid saying negative things about your ex-spouse. Your children love both of their parents, and they should not have to choose sides.
You should also avoid overpromise. For example, do not promise to always be there for your children if you know you will be moving away.
Just as you prepare for a divorce, prepare with your spouse before you talk with your children. Do a little bit rehearsal to figure out how they will react emotionally and what you can do to help them. Ideally, the two of you can do it together to ensure that kids hear one story and know you make the decision together. After you deliver the message, give your kids time to digest and express their emotions.
The best thing is to understand what you’ll say clearly, which will ensure that you don’t get tongue-tied or forget anything important. To help you prepare, here are 14 script ideas to tell kids about separation and divorce.
14 Script Ideas to Tell Kids About Divorce
1. Have a concise opening and ensure sufficient time
“Honey, we need to talk. This may shock you, but your father/mother and I have decided to get divorced.“
When you need to deliver bad news, do not talk around it, instead, try to make it as clear and short as possible, leave the room for child to process the message. The news of divorce is never good for a child. Ensure both of you are gentle and firm about divorce, remain no tear, no accuse, no fight.
2. Acknowledge their feelings
“I know this is hard to hear, and you might be feeling many different emotions right now. It’s okay to feel however you feel.“
Your children will have a lot of emotions, and they may feel scared, sad, or even angry. Acknowledge their feelings and let them know it’s okay to feel whatever they feel.
3. Explain what divorce is
“Some couples can’t stay together even though they want to. That’s called divorce.”
4. Keep it simple
“So, that means mom and dad won’t be living together anymore. But we’ll still both be here for you.”
When explaining the situation to your children, try to keep it as simple as possible. They don’t need to know all the details of why you’re getting divorced like who hurts who because of what, especially in the beginning of divorce.
5. Reassure them that they’re not responsible
“It’s not your fault that your father/mother and I are getting divorced. We couldn’t make our relationship work.”
Your children may think they did something to cause the divorce, and it’s important to reassure them that they’re not responsible for what’s happening.
6. Let them know they’ll still see both of you
“You’ll still get to see both mom and dad. We just won’t be living together anymore.”
They may be worried about not seeing one of their parents. Let them know that they’ll still see both of you, even though you will not be living together.
7. Tell them about the custody arrangement
“Mom/dad will have primary custody, but you’ll get to spend time with dad on the weekends/every other weekend.”
If you have a custody arrangement already set up, let your children know about it; this will help them feel more secure in the situation. If you have decided who is going to move out, then bring the kids to your new place, show them their rooms.
8. Don’t say anything negative about your ex
“Your father/mother is still a good person, and we just couldn’t make our relationship work.”
Even if the divorce turn out to be an ugly process, you have every reason to be angry or disappointed at him, process the negative thoughts yourself. Try to avoid saying anything negative about your ex to your children. The marriage did not work does not mean the parent is not there. They need to have a positive relationship with both of their parents. Moreover, do not let kids to take side.
9. Encourage them to ask questions
“Do you have any questions that you want to ask me about what’s going on?”
Your children may have a lot of questions about the divorce. Please encourage them to ask you any questions.
10. Answer their questions honestly
“How will mom and dad feel after the divorce?” or “I’m not sure, but I think we’ll both be happy.”
Be prepared to answer a lot of questions from your children. Answer their questions honestly, but keep your answers as positive as possible.
11. Let them know they can talk to you about anything
“I know this is a lot for you now, but just remember that you can always ask me or if you just need to talk.”
Ensure your children know they can come to you with any questions or concerns. Let them know that you’re always there for them.
12. Encourage them to express their feelings
“It’s okay to feel sad/angry/scared about what’s happening. Just remember that mom and dad are still here for you.”
Your children may be feeling a lot of different emotions. Encourage them to express their feelings and let them know it’s okay to feel whatever they think.
13. Don’t force them to talk about their feelings
“I know you might not want to talk about how you’re feeling, but just know that I’m here if you need to talk.”
Your children may not be ready to talk about their feelings. Don’t force them to talk about their feelings if they’re unprepared. Just let them know you’re there for them when they are ready.
14. Love Be there for them
“It is a tough time for you, me and our family. I’m here for you and I will be always love you.
One of the fear that kids have are parents stop loving them. Be there for your children. Let them know that you love them forever, and repeat it many times to assure them.
Put Them Together
Complete Script Example
“__, Mom and dad have something important things to talk with you, it probably need quite some time.
First of all, we love you more than anything in the world. However, we do not love each other anymore, so we decided to divorce. We have adult problems, and cannot live together. It is not your fault at all. We are still your parents and take care of you, our love to you never ends.”
“__ is going to stay at our home with you and __ is going to move out. __ will live in ___. You are going to stay in the house and continue with normal life, go to same school and play with your friends. __ will take you to new place in the weekends. You are also going to have a bedroom there. There will be some changes like we cannot have dinner everyday together with __. Honey, this is not your fault at all”.
“If you feel upset or angry, we totally understand. Whatever you feels, it is OK for us, we will be here to listen and answer your questions whenever you had. We love you forever.”
Particular for Young Kids
Young kids can hardly understand what is happening. Therefore, there are several useful books can help them to realize. For example, “We Will Always Love You: A Children’s Story Explaining Divorce And Separation” by Ethan Arabov and “Why Do Families Change?: Our First Talk About Separation and Divorce” by Dr. Jillian Roberts.
After Divorce, Keep a Healthy Co-parenting Relationship
Related Reading:
- The Pragmatic Tips of Being a Single Parent
- 8 Best Positive and Gentle Parenting Books for Toddlers’ Parents
- Being a Stay at Home Dad – 10 Benefits and Challenges
- Room Parent Feedback – Parents Involvement in Primary School
The first year after the divorce is the most challenging. Two of you need to set new rules and schedules and probably cope with new relationships. Here are some practical tips can help you to adjust to your unique situation.
1. Treat your ex as a colleague or project mate
It is harsh to say but brings you solid emotional control in the new relationship. Since the love is gone and now you have a common goal to provide the best you can do for your kid. Nothing is granted, and they do not owe you a favor or can get your un-spoken message. You must respect him, maintain a proper distance, and professionally treat him. For example, you may judge your ex’s new date, but you will not feel a colleague’s. It is none of your business unless it is in the custody agreement. In this way, your kids also can learn effective communication.
2. Set Basics and Priorities and Communicate with your ex
Being a single parent is hard for both of you. Instead of one cooking dinner and the other doing dishes, both of you need to do a complete set now. Probably you also have financial challenges as well. You cannot agree on every decision. However, you need to at least agree on the basics related to health, education, and behaviors. Write a list of your “must-have” and “want to have” and align with your ex to manage the expectations. For example, you must work the weekend shift, and he needs to take care of the kids. Meanwhile, you want your kid to keep the football training, and it will be perfect if he understands and agrees with you.
3. Agree with a schedule and stick to it as much as possible
Having a plan helps you set up the expectation for each other. Once you have it, show up on time and keep your promise, which is much better than last-minute notice. The other can count on you and understand when you need an exception.
4. Willing to Be Flexible
If two of you are committed to the schedule, it is essential to keep a flexible mind, and emergencies can happen to everyone. Urgent work, sick, traffic jams, you name it. In short, treat each other kindly. If your nice gesture is not returned, have a serious discussion, and emphasize its importance.
5. Discuss kids and work on the same goal
Little kids have little problems, and big kids have big problems. Update each other with the latest kids’ development and if you encounter the same issue. You can also peacefully attend kids’ school meetings, sports matches, and music recitals when needed. It is challenging, but you value your kids’ opportunities and development.
Final Thoughts from Pragmatic Lifestyle
Going through a divorce is tough, but it’s important to remember that your children are going through it too. Make sure you’re there for them and honest with them about what’s happening. Having a script to tell kids about separation and divorce can help make the conversation a bit easier. Just remember to be there for your children and answer their questions.
About Me
Hi, there. I am Lin. Together with my husband and two kids, we live in the beautiful Netherlands in Europe. I am dedicated to self-development, creating quality time for the whole family, and fully supporting kids with their potentials and possibilities with all I have learned from engineering, MBA, and 10+ years of working experience in the energy sector.
